What I wish I'd known about smartphones, by bereaved parent Ellen Roome

[.style-intro]When Ellen Roome’s 14-year-old son died in 2022, she could find no reason for his death. She’s been battling the social media platforms for access to his accounts ever since – and says if she could turn back time, she’d take a very different approach to smartphones and social media. [.style-intro]

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"My son Jools was a normal, happy, healthy boy. He was 14, had plenty of friends, laughed a lot, and was normal! There was not one part of me that thought he had any issues.

And then, on the 13th of April 2022, our world changed forever, 

I had gone horse racing with friends for the day in Cheltenham. Jools was hanging out with his mates. There’s a little pond near our house, and Jools, being Jools – he was always a bit of a risk taker – was the one that was on a rowing boat trying to get to the middle island. 

I spoke to him in the evening and said, ‘Have you eaten dinner?’ And he said, ‘There was a pizza in the freezer. We've eaten that, mum. I wanted to light the fire pit but couldn't start it, so I used your nail varnish remover’. And I remember saying, ‘Jools, just be careful. Don't hurt yourself. There are marshmallows in the cupboard, why don't you have those?’ So he was toasting marshmallows, just boys being boys around a fire pit. 

The footage on our home security camera shows him saying goodbye to his friend Monty at 8:46pm, saying, ‘See you later, Mont,’ and then going inside. When I got home at 10:13pm, I went to his room as I always did. When I saw him, I thought he was joking around. To my horror, he wasn’t.

The loss of a child is so horrific. You’re barely breathing, hardly eating, and not sleeping; you're just not functioning. Each day blurs into the next. It is simply awful. Every time I slept for a while, I opened my eyes and realized that it wasn’t a nightmare but my reality. It’s truly horrific.  

“The loss of a child is so horrific, you’re barely breathing, hardly eating, not sleeping”

Obviously, I knew how Jools had ended his life because I found him, but I didn't know why. We left it for the police to investigate, thinking they’d tell us at the inquest. 

The coroner said he couldn't be certain Jools was in a suicidal mood, so it's a ‘narrative description’ on his death certificate to say how he ended his life. 

It just didn't make sense. The police established that there was no bullying offline. He didn't have problems at school. Not one single friend, teacher or adult in his life was aware of any mental health problems. So, unless my son, who was close to both me and his father, hid it from absolutely everybody… There's just one piece of the jigsaw puzzle we haven't looked at – his social media.

 I took a year off work and returned to running my own business. I remember a staff member complaining about the coffee, and I thought, ‘Do you think I give a damn about the coffee?’ I realised I couldn’t do it anymore. I sold the business and began looking for answers. 

Looking to TikTok for answers

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I asked the social media companies to share Jools’ data. They all refused. Some blamed it on data protection, privacy rights, or GDPR, whereas others said, ‘We no longer have it.’

The issue was that no one (the police or the coroner) had requested the data during the police investigation and the inquest. I couldn't obtain it retrospectively without a court order, which entails going to the High Court to have his inquest redone at a cost of £86,000.

I got in touch with Meta, and all I got were emails saying, ‘We’ll come back to you’. It wasn’t until journalists covering the story contacted their press team that I got a response. They told the press, ‘We’re in conversation with Ellen Roome,’ when all I had was emails saying, ‘We’ll get back to you’. It makes me so angry. They’ll respond to the press but won't respond to me as his mother? 

Perhaps they know what harmful materials Jools was viewing and don’t want the information to go public. Why else wouldn’t they help me out? If they had any morals, they’d say, ‘Of course, sorry, bereaved parent. Here’s the data. I hope you get some answers.’ As for TikTok, Meta, and Snapchat – they really don’t seem to care. 

“If they had any morals, they’d say ‘sorry bereaved parent, here’s the data, I hope you get some answers’, but they really don’t seem to care”

I started a government e-petition because I believed it was unjust that parents have no right to access their children’s social media accounts. In 10 days we received 115,000 signatures, which meant it could be debated in Parliament. 

The debate took place on 13th January 2025. It was surreal. After two hours, all the MPs agreed; nobody objected, and they were all on my side. The Minister for Digital Government, Feryal Clark, delivered the summary. She said we should look to tweak the Data Bill that is now going through Parliament to change the law as quickly as possible. 

Firstly, I want social media data to be automatically preserved and requested when a child dies, just as a toxicology report is conducted in such cases. This should happen automatically so that the data is available if required.

Secondly, I seek retrospective access for bereaved parents like myself, whose children’s inquests have concluded without the social media data being accessed and examined for harmful or illegal content. It feels profoundly wrong and unfair that parents like me remain unaware of why our precious children felt the need to end their own lives. 

What parents should know

I feel I was very naive. I thought TikTok was all silly dancing videos and harmless challenges. We did some of them together—there's a video of Jools and me putting a T-shirt on upside down while standing on our hands. 

Many parents aren’t fully aware of the dangers of their children being on these platforms. 

I didn't know about the blackout challenge until after Jools had died. If I had known, I would have said to him, ‘don't ever be so stupid as to put something around your neck’. My gut feeling has always been that I don't think he thought it through. 

I was speaking to Jools’ dad, Matt, about this last night, and we both agreed. If we could turn back time, we’d do things differently. We all tell our children, ‘eat your vegetables’, and they'll say they don't like them, and you respond, ‘Nope, sorry you have to’. 

Then you look at the world of social media, and knowing what I know now, I would have just said, ‘It's too dangerous. You cannot have it. You cannot have something where you are seeing beheadings and graphic hardcore porn’. I know that would have been a massive argument with a teenager wanting it, but it is so dangerous. I wish they would get rid of it. 

“If I could turn back time, I’d do things differently. I would say ‘it’s too dangerous, you cannot have it’”

Australia is changing the minimum age of social media to 16, but I don’t believe they’re capable of handling some of the things on there, even at that age. Until the social media companies can prove it’s safe, get rid of it. 

When your child is young, you can allow them to watch CBeebies for a while; it may be educational or silly, but you know it’s safe. There isn't a single social media site where you can be confident that what they see is safe. In that case, why are we allowing children anywhere near it? 

If your child hasn’t got a smartphone yet, then delay, delay, delay. That is absolutely the approach I’d take now. I try to educate Jools’ friends' parents now. I say, ‘Do you know this is on there?’ because I feel I wasn't aware. I didn't know. 

More and more parents are recognising the risks and saying, ‘this needs to change.’ The uprising against the tech giants grows stronger each day. I pray we start to see changes soon. How many more children will be harmed or die while we wait for change to take place?  

Follow Ellen’s journey here  www.JoolsLaw.co.uk.